I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
