When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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