i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
