This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
