I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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