i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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