she woke up with a sticky ear
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
