I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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