If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
