Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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