I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
