shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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