Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
