You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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