I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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