I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
