i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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