I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
