At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
