Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
