I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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