I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
