tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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