if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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