I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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