I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
