M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
