I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
