he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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