My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
