I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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