And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
