Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
