Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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