Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And then my night got REAL pukey
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
