Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
