Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
