just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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