So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
