Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
