Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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