There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
They are going to name an STD after you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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