She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found puke in my bra..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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