If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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