mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
