where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
