Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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