Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
