Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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