finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
