Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
